bye!good - joaquin won't walk the line and neither will we.

2009-03-18T17:52:00.000-07:00

RIP Natasha!

You were so awesome as Caroline Lane in Maid in Manhattan and of course in my other favorite movie of all time, Gothic.

So sad! My heart goes out to the fam :(

Sidenote: Julian Sands + Gabriel Byrne in ONE movie, yummmmmmm.

The Greatest Thing In The World

2009-01-15T12:11:00.000-08:00

I...words cannot explain. I don't know if anything will ever be as great as a picture of Verne Troyer in a bear suit eating honey. Nothing. Like, I almost feel let down because I have nothing more to look forward to.

Fingered On The Roller Coaster!

2009-01-10T22:39:00.000-08:00

Whatever happened to classic teen movies about obsessive murderous, horribly mentally disturbed people? Why are they all relegated to Lifetime movie status? That ain't right. There is clearly a difference in quality between something like Mother May I Sleep With Danger and a modern classic like Fear. And that difference is having the artistic chutzpah to film the awesome 'fingered on the roller coaster scene'. Set to the elegant 'Wild Horses' cover by The Sundays. It also means crossing the boundaries between 'loving, struggling mother' and 'creepy pedo dad'. William Peterson is a marvel. He really sells it.
And let's also pay some credit to the work of cinematic genius that is The Crush. First, anything with Cary Elwes, or my beloved Dread Pirate Roberts, is amazing. Second, Alicia Silverstone kills someone with bees. Third, there is a slow motion scene around a carousel which is IN THE ATTIC. What? Don't ask, it's brilliant. It's existential and post modern and futuristic and nouvelle wave etc.
So where are those movies today? The only acceptable teen thriller I've seen was Disturbia, and I'm not even sure if that's a good movie or I'm just weirdly obsessed with watching it. We need to start casting teens as teens again, not as rich kids, not as urban street kids, but as just normal, middle class kids who fall for the wrong guy and either become the victim of a dangerous obsession or discover their own inner psychopath. And Swim Fan is not an acceptable substitute. Perhaps it's because we insist on child stars growing up so fast that they are no longer believable as virginal innocents who could be corrupted by evil creepy Zac Efrons. Well, I say bring it back. And bring it back well. And don't make it an endless ad for Mac products.

Interspecies Love!

2009-01-10T22:19:00.000-08:00

I've been pretty obsessed with Billy the dog and Kiko the monkey's epic love story for quite a while now, and I couldn't help but notice they've received none of the well-deserved lauding that say, Otters Holding Hands receives. This will not do.
Some background: Billy the dog and Kiko the monkey first met when Billy wandered into the jungle in Northern Mozambique. A devastating flood hit, and when it subsided, the dog returned to town with a literal monkey on his back. Villagers believe that monkey fed and cared for the dog while in the jungle. And now they're together FOR LIFE. The dog gets into fights with other dogs defending his monkey's honor. Right after Prop 8 gets overthrown, I think we should all get together and fight for the right for monkey/dog loving.
Anyway, they're absolutely the cutest thing in the entire world. Enjoy.

What i did on New Years

2009-01-09T10:35:00.000-08:00

i went to the book house pub for dinner with my favorite man of the moment mr. preston craig, who dj's and runs the blog kiss atlanta where i had my last dinner as an omnivore for at least a year. it was... fantastic. here i am with preston looking slightly glazed over.

then we went to MJQ for about five seconds before heading over to this house party where, with the exception of this mountain man with a jug of gin, we were probably the oldest ones there. On our way to the party, we watched a girl who was driving so drunk she literally fell out of the car onto the pavement and got back in the driver's seat to drive.
Preston had to dj a set at the party and i just danced and danced and danced with beautiful atlanta club kids. All the photos can be seen at the midnight socialite which is a pretty cocky name i know, but that's what you get when you hang with kids who live to be famous for a night. take a look in the photos, do you see that one gorgeous 18 year old boy wearing rags? love him.
Anyway, then we went to the graveyard, which is the weirdest "indie" bar i think i've ever been to, run by rocknrollfrat guys. the inside is done up kind of like a TGI Fridays but all types of tattooed crazy hipsters go there and dance to Kilo Ali.
I know!
It's crazy!
that was my new years

more leggings

2009-01-09T10:07:00.001-08:00

daryl k has good leggings if you dont want to support the olsen twins

TRends from 2008. Stay or go?

2009-01-09T08:58:00.000-08:00

1. Fedoras
Pete Doherty started something special. Not a path to addiction, but a tidal wave of hat wearing douche bags. It was good when he did it, but wasn't that back in 2007? In 2008 shouldn't this trend have dwindled? For instance, this girl looks like a bitch, with her lolli pop and scarf in 70 degree weather:
as does this girl:
and i can't even make fun of this guy:
lastly, you know its a dead trend when The Disney Channel picks it up...
I'm gonna say go, fedora. go far far away.

2. Leggings for day wear
This is a tricky one, because as long as skinny jeans are in style, the only way to get the most absolute skin-tight pair is to wear leggings instead of denim, but unfortunately some girls have taken for granted the comfortable opportunity of discreet aerobics-wear.
why is this good?

or that?
On the horizon, though, are such opportunities as (gasp) leather leggings brought to you by the olsen twins "luxe" line.
click here to see a clever and persuasive video: olsen twins
Even American Apparel made shiny leggings at the end of '08 for all the girls who wants to highlight her thighs. Bottom line: leggings are gonna stay. The way people slop around in them should go.

3. skinny headbands like a woodland creature crown
If Zoe Kravitz is doing it, then it must have been cool last year

These tiny headbands, i think, are adorable on 18-year-olds trying to pass as 21-year-olds to get into Beatrice Inn. I've even seen guys wear them. Flaming guys, but still, it's cute.
They may have been cool two summers ago in somewhere like Bard summer school, and its taken a while for Hollywood to catch on because Hollywood has no personality of it's own to come up with slosh like this, but i think it's a kicker for 2009. expect Nicole to don these for a long while. Heck, do it yourself if you dont mind your hair scrunching up above the band or someone laughing behind your back.

4. A cat in a sombrero:

keeper

5. Seinna Miller
not good

If she walked down Bushwick in that, she;d get raped. She's wearing everything at once, but no pants. it's weird.

Musicians are the Worst

2009-01-09T08:55:00.000-08:00

Musicians are the worst. Skateboarders too, but for the most part, musicians are the absolute worst. They always say the word “grip” when they’re talking about getting with a girl. You know that part in “Last Tango in Paris” when Marlon Brando picks Maria Schneider up by the vagina, kind of like a puppet? He grips her. They always get to go on tour where they see awesome things that people with normal jobs don’t get to see, like a one-armed hillbilly in overalls, or the Eiffel Tower, then they “grip” with a line of girls. Even the roadies do it - like this one Canadian from Boys Night Out who made girls change into the band shirt before they “gripped”. Musicians can get away with dressing like an addict for the most part. They can be in tatters, dressed like a jig, and justify it with the amount of free drinks they get in a night from the bartender, because every musician has a bartender as a friend.
My friend Taylor’s like that. Once part of a semi-successful psych band called Sunburned Hand of the Man, a frequenter of a smattering of other noise bands, drone bands, or acid music or whatever, he has established such a following that he made the rule that if you’re a girl and you want to hook-up with him, then you must have no hair where Brando gripped Schneider. This one time he was with a girl and when her pants came off he was like, “I… can’t do that,” so she went to the corner store, bought a razor, shaved off all her pubic hair in his bathroom, and when she was finished he told her he was too tired. Maybe tomorrow. He wears no underwear, India ink stained jeans, sockless yacht shoes and something on top made of yarn. He tours all over Europe where beautiful locals offer him rooms and food. I’ve lived with him for three days where I’ve have only seen him drink Sparks and Coors. The only person I can think who trumped him is Kurt Cobain.
Once, he was staying at Kim and Thurston’s house in North Hampton (I know I know) and as they left him to hang out on their couch he sees this striped sweater draped over the side. It was the sweater Kurt Cobain wore in about a million photos and concerts, with the ripped holes. He told me it was all he could do not to try the thing on.
Because a long time ago, before I ever met Taylor, he wasn’t a musician, and he loved Nirvana, and when Kurt Cobain died he carved the letters K-U-R-T into his arm like a loser.

Smuggling Monkeys In Basketballs

2008-12-30T22:29:00.000-08:00

Tuesday, December 29th, marked a monumental achievement in absolutely absurd Law and Order: SVU plots. I don't think in my lifetime, they will ever manage to come up with something more asinine and ridiculous. It was...beautiful.
You know this is going to be a Very Stupid, I mean Special Episode because the first thing we see is the doctors talking to a person in a gurney who we can't see. HMMM I WONDER IF THIS WILL BE A SIGNIFICANT CHARACTER ON THE SHOW, because I've never seen TV before. Oh, it's Stabler. I'm shocked.
As a side note, I want to know when they are going to stop sadistically inflicting pain on Stabler. Hasn't he been shot twice now? Remember when he went blind in another Very Stupid Episode? Geez.
Flashback: a woman's body is discovered, and it appears to have been mauled to death. And yeah, initially there is some implication that A HUMAN DID IT. Because human bites look just like animal bites. Fire that medical examiner. Yeah, I know she just got bumped to credits status. In keeping with L&O's need for 'red herrings' in order to support their 'unbelievable shocking twist', she's a model with an identical twin. WITH A SCAR OOOOH. Because Stabler and Benson are the worst detectives ever, they immediately interrogate her right after informing her that her sister is dead, assuming she killed her twin because...she was jealous? I don't know. There's no point to it, as the poor girl is devastated to learn her TWIN HAS BEEN MURDERED. She suspects the rapper her sister was seeing. You know, the way hotter one since she doesn't have a scar, which of course the detectives really rub in.
Since Tutuola, the ironic Cop Killah Ice T, is always sent in for any 'black urban' suspects, as he is an expert, apparently, on ghetto culture and hip hop, he interviews the rapper, after taunting him for lying about an imaginary street gang since T worked those areas and never heard of them. The rapper comes clean: he's from Westchester, which is as ghetto as Encino. He met the victim because he was looking for a tiger on Ebay. Yeah, this episode just went to awesome. Also, I totally tried to find a live tiger on ebay and it is impossible. So whatever, L&O researchers.
Anyway, so the tiger is now the main suspect. Since the detectives are all retarded morons, they assume he actively trained the tiger to attack her, despite how a tiger could TOTALLY kill someone sans extensive training just because, you know, it's a wild and undomesticated creature.
So they end up somehow investigating the company who're smuggling exotic animals into the country. And Stabler goes undercover, yet again, as usual adopting the 'cocky moron' identity he so cleverly wins people over with as an UO. Apparently Stabler finds all of his suspects to be arrogant shmucks. Meanwhile, at some point, I was on the phone or letting people in or something, HYENAS are used to murder a bunch of people. Yep, hyenas. At the crime scene, the M.E holds up some goop and says, 'Check the hyena vomit.'
Unsurprisingly, because they are not as stupid as the cops, the smugglers have moved warehouses. Stabler gets in touch with them as 'Mike' and says he wants to work with them. He goes to dine on tiger meat with the Evil Russian who runs the whole thing. A hot chick walks through. She is also a smuggler. She grins and lifts her shirt to reveal some weird eggs. "Everyone is wondering how she looks naked, not if she's smuggling turtle eggs," the Evil Russian evilllly says. This is a really good point. I've never looked at any hot guy and thought 'I wonder if that bulk is a wife beater under his sweater or...hey! Maybe he's smuggling turtle eggs!'
They all take a moment and reflect on the crazy sexy world of animal smuggling. Then Evil Russian gives 'Mike' a job: he's smuggling in an imported gibbon, which will be murdered and made into chopsticks. Why? Because they are fucking evil monkey murdering bastards who eat tiger and train hyenas to murder!
'Mike' will get a percentage of the monkey sale, which is desirable. Also, 'Mike' will get fitted with a gps watch that tracks his very move, is told his ass will be handed to him if he fucks up, and his life now belongs to Evil Russian. Gee, this seems like a great job. Yeah, Evil Russian is totally untrustworthy and murderous, but he promised he'll give me five thousand dollars! How bad could it be if sexy turtle smuggler lady is so happy? No way could they be torturing her on the side!
So 'Mike' goes back to his fake apartment, and there's a Really Climactic Shot where someone is knocking on his door...and when it opens, Olivia is actually at his house, talking to his wife. FAKE OUT! OMG I WAS FAKED OUT. Not. His wife is all pissed because she has only been married to him for like twenty years and is completely unused to his responsibilities as cop. She's going to leave him! Yeah! That'll show him! Go raise your eight thousand kids alone while Stabler saves monkeys from being chopsticks! Oh, and I also appreciate how two or three years' worth of plot development in which Stabler's marriage is on the rocks due to his job as a cop, leading to them almost getting divorced when a surprise baby and a near death experience bring them back together, is totally reduced to one episode of tumultuousness.
Olivia is concerned so she goes to talk to Stabler at his apartment. Stabler is not very happy to see her because he has worked really hard this whole one day where he has been undercover to maneuver himself into the good graces of Evil Russian and his Evil Henchman. She accuses him of going 'off the grid' when DUH OLIVIA he's undercover don't you think it would be suspicious if he was like 'look guys, I need to call the precinct and I might be like discussing your illegal activities, just tune me out.' Then the two evils start pounding on the door, so Stabler tries to cram Olivia in the closet. Since she is slightly less stupid than he is she sneaks into the bathroom. The two guys come in and are like 'Are you fucking retarded? We told you TEN MINUTES ago not to talk to anyone, and next thing we know, you're getting visitors! You are endangering the hopes of evil people everywhere who desire monkey chopsticks!' Okay, and Evil Russian has, presumably, just been sitting in his car the whole night staking out Stabler. I thought he was the mastermind behind this entire thing? Why doesn't he have a finger-breaking henchman do this?
Olivia comes out of the shower, wearing nothing but a bra, acting like a giggling ditz and rubbing herself all over 'Mike' because ordinary women totally wouldn't notice or care about two dudes with guns menacing their sex buddies. Where do Olivia and Elliot hang out where they know absolutely NOTHING about people? Evil Henchman who kinda looks like X, Mulder's X-Files source, throws her out in just her bra while she continues acting like she has no idea anything is amiss. What? Why do they think everyone is so stupid? I guess because they are.

Then Evil Russian is like guess what? We're going to get the monkey NOW. Stabler, assuming he is the smartest man alive, doesn't sense anything is weird about this. They see the cash that they're promised by the most outrageously offensive and stereotypical portrayal of an Asian person I have seen since 1940's Bugs Bunny episodes. They drive to a remote area and Evil Russian is like 'yeah the monkey is totally right there, in that alley.' Stabler gets out and Evil Russian is like 'You are the stupidest person ever! I don't trust you with a stuffed animal, let alone my monkey chopsticks!' and shoots him really ineptly. I mean seriously. This guy has a hyena army at his command, and he's like three feet from Stabler, and he only hits him in the arm and shoulder. They pull away as Stabler lies there, all bloody, because he's totally going to die. Not.
So Stabler doesn't die, but despite the whole oMG STABLER IS HORRIBLY WOUNDED opening, he's up and ready to work that day. There's a gibbon who needs saving! The whole force does a stakeout at Penn Station or somewhere, because Stabler knows that's where the monkey is being delivered. Then why did you get out at the dark alley? Moron. Whatever.
They're looking around like the person smuggling the Gibbon is going to just carry it out in a cat carrying case, when it becomes clear that is totally dumb. Then Stabler sees a black person with a basketball. Since that is very very rare, he immediately realizes the gibbon, which yeah I know it's an ape, not a monkey, but monkey basketball is just too funny, is IN THE BASKETBALL!

A long and completely goofy chase ensues, with Stabler, whose bandages are bleeding because HE JUST GOT SHOT, confronting Evil Russian, who is trapped in some machine and his leg is all hurted and he's completely spazzing out: "I'll kill you Mike!" Like he's too retarded to realize Stabler is a cop and that Mike is not his real name. Jesus.
Meanwhile, Olivia chases the Evil Henchman until he falls over the roof edge. OMG HOW STUPID ARE THESE PEOPLE. But he's grasping the sides! And he's begging Olivia to save him, although she has no interest because he threw her out in the street with her bra on and is like 'whatever, that was so embarrassing. You could have waited until my shirt was on.' Realization dawns as she radios for a jumper team to clean up his splattered body when his fingers give out, which will surely be in way less time than it will take a specialty crew to get to the building in NYC traffic. "You're the hooker from last night" he says. Yeah, she's a vigilante hooker! Or an undercover cop!
Now he says he's also an undercover cop. Wow, they have so much in common! They should go on a date, except he's going to die because he can't keep his grasp on the roof. He begs her to pull him up. I totally expected her to yank him up and then have him go 'you are really a fucking moron, I got the whole undercover cop bit from you!' and throw her over the side. In my heart, that's what happened. But no, it turns out that he's deep undercover because he's much, much better at it then Olivia or Elliot.
So since he wants everyone to leave him undercover, he's escorted out in handcuffs for the benefit of Evil Russian. Benson informs Stabler that Evil Henchmen is really Good Undercover Cop. So Stabler approaches him and barely drops his voice to ask if he has anyone he wants notified about his whereabouts. Of course Good Undercover Cop doesn't: his wife left him years ago because she couldn't handle his lifestyle. And Stabler's eyes open. He has learned a Very Special Lesson, even though in reality, he's been a cop for twenty years or so, his wife should be totally used to it, and I can't see the show NOT using him in stakeouts and undercover in the future.
And the gibbon? Probably Munch keeps it. I hope it's still in the basketball and he's inventing a very special Gibbon Basketball sport since he has nothing else to do on the show.
The End.

PS I looked up Olivia Benson on photobucket and this was one of the first pictures.

Caylee Anthony: This Amateur's Wild Theory Holds So Much More Weight Than Any Silly Law Enforcer's

2008-12-27T18:24:00.000-08:00

It's so obvious what happened.

Early one evening, as Casey Anthony was washing her daughter's hair in the tub, she was possessed by the spirits of Hitler, Vlad Dracul, Lady Bathory, La llorona, and Nixon. Overwhelmed with their collective madness, she murdered her daughter.

I mean, come on. If there's one thing we all agree on, it's that Casey Anthony is the most evil person ever in the face of history, and the tragedy of Caylee has effected us much more than anything negative in our own lives, like a family member with a terminal illness, unemployment, a recession. It is very important that we focus and vent all of our inner rage and frustration on this complete stranger, who may, based on our moral indignity and very minimal circumstantial evidence, have murdered her child.

Okay, she probably did it. At the very least, she's a horrible parent. At worst, she's a selfish, self absorbed murderer. But COME ON. Why are you people standing outside of her house, holding candlelight vigils and calling her a cunt and throwing shit at her? Why, if you care so, so much about The Children, don't you, I don't know, volunteer at a Big Brother/Sister program, or donate money to after school programs for destitute families, or go out and look for some of the hundreds of other missing kids in the US? Why is Caylee the only one who matters? Geez, she wasn't even blonde.

But let's be honest. It's easier to make Casey Anthony an icon for everything wrong with America, with our lives, etc. It's a lot easier to stand outside with a pitchfork and burning torches, demanding our pound of flesh, than to actually try and help or change anything. And hey, fuck the justice system. Bunch of hippie liberal bullshit, right? Let's just throw all those things that protect us out the window and embrace vigilanteism. Who's ready for a good old fashioned lynch mob?

What's that you say? When I get accused of something, I'll meet the same fate? Impossible! Her rights count less than mine! I am a morally superior person because I will stoop to any level to get to the root of this! And the tables will never turn on me!

Oh, and all these people blogging about how they hope Caylee was found alive? Yeah, right. You were salivating for this. What the fuck would you do if it turned out Caylee's dad had her this whole time and Casey just wanted them to lead a peaceful life away from her? What would you do if she wasn't the horrible person you wanted, nay, needed her to be?

But fuck it, those are hypothetical situations!
She should be stoned to death in a field to guarantee us all good crops in the spring.

RIP Caylee, and all the other little missing, exploited and abused children that don't garner such a blood thirsty media circus.

Happy Drunken Holidays!

2008-12-19T19:30:00.000-08:00

I'm off to spend eight days somewhere a little south of nowhere with my family, so I wanted to wish all three or four of my friends who read this an excellent holiday season. Last time I visited my mom, I ended up snowed in, discovered her stash of Charles Shaw wine, and spend the rest of the time smashed on Shiraz and watching Lord Of The Rings. Pray for Mojo!

I leave you with this beautiful brief film of Kiefer Sutherland celebrating the only right way.

The best Christmas song ever

2008-12-18T11:50:00.000-08:00

I was recently introducted to this song by one of my roommates and I must say, it is nothing short of amazing. FANTASTIC, even. Because who doesn't want a little death and grief with their holiday cheer?!

Quote of the day

2008-12-18T08:58:00.000-08:00

On Piven leaving the production of the play "Speed-the-Plow" due to a high mercury count:

"I talked to Jeremy on the phone, and he told me that he discovered that he had a very high level of mercury," Mamet told Daily Variety. "So my understanding is that he is leaving show business to pursue a career as a thermometer."

Walmart: Not Okay with Dirty Words, Totally Fine With Nazis

2008-12-17T00:20:00.001-08:00

OMG!!! I thought the baby names in Sabrina's earlier post were terrible (see the Year in Horrible Baby Names)

Apparently the parents of poor unfortunate Adolf Hitler Campbell, JoyceLynn Aryan Nation Campbell & Honszlynn Hinler Jeannie Campbell have not only cursed their children for life but are also making them eat shitty Walmart cake.

News has it that a ShopRite in Jersey denied the father of said forsaken children, Heath Campbell, a birthday cake with his little Fuhrer's full name spelled out on it Well, where else would one turn next to get a cake of hate decorated but Wal-Mart who happily fulfilled their request. So, let me get this straight, Wal-mart frowns upon 2 Live Crew albums but give nazis carte blanche to be as nasty as they wanna be?

Now the shocked (really???) Campbell's are asking all of us to be a little tolerant of their intolerance. In an interview on Tuesday Papa Campbell said "I think people need to take their heads out of the cloud they've been in and start focusing on the future and not on the past." Ahahahhahaha, I had no idea Hitler was an alien from the future.

Wait, wait, it gets better. Heath continued, "There's a new president and he says it's time for change; well, then it's time for a change." Sorry Heath, we can't stop laughing (crying on the inside) long enough to be as tolerant as you.

Heath continued his compelling justifications by saying he named his kid Adolf Hitler because he liked the name and because "no one else in the world would have that name." Okay, I'll buy that Adolf Hitler Campbell is pretty damn catchy but c'mon JoyceLynn Aryan Nation, that doesn't even have a ring to it!

Let's just hope the Campbell's future children, precious Burnajew and little Auschwitza, are fortunate enough to live in a more cake tolerant country. Gobama!

Side project: let's all put Wal-Mart's arms wide open policy to the test. I'm putting my cake request in for my daughter, little Analrulz Gallo, as we speak.

Dear Santa

2008-12-16T11:05:00.001-08:00

After seeing Sabrina's pathetic plea to Santa for a new apartment, I thought I'd make my own little wish list for the jolly obese man to the north. And you know what? I only want two things this year. That's not too much to ask for, right? Well, let's change that to three.

Gift request number one:

A myotonic goat. Just try and tell me they aren't awesome.

And naturally, gift request number two:

Finally, gift request number three:

A few boxes of Bota Box, the crème de la crème of boxed wine. Now, I must say that my dear friend Janet in my previous post kind of was the inspiration to this gift request. Drinking out of a box makes me feel much less like an alcoholic -- especially when I don't have to clean up the three or four ((five or six)) empty bottles on wine in the living room the next day.

Go, Santa, go. I'll have an empty glass waiting for you when you get here.

Janet hates Ken Seeley

2008-12-15T21:12:00.001-08:00

Meet Janet. J-A-N-E-T.

She's the focus of the last episode of A&E's Intervention and what an episode it was. I've watched a lot of Intervention in my day and let me tell you, this was BY FAR the worst case I have ever seen. Usually, I enjoy watching the drunks try to dance a waltz with an evergreen tree, but Janet was a whole different story.

Janet likes to drink wine. A gallon of wine a day. Now, I know many of us like to enjoy a good bit of wine. My roommate Bridget and I often put back a few bottles a night. BUT, Janet drinks a gallon EVERY DAY. Oh and did I mention that she's also insanely addicted to sex. If you've never seen what someone looks like after consuming a gallon of wine a day, picture waking up like this every day of your life:

Anyway, Janet is an extreme alcoholic and sex addict. Her second husband Russ has thrown her out of the house and her four children are already incredibly emotionally scarred from her drinking. She dates a 75-year-old named Bud, and at one point she is seen sitting on his lap sobbing, telling him she wants to die. She continues this I-hate-my-life-and-want-to-die pattern throughout the episode, including in front of her eight-year-old daughter. It's absolutely effing heartbreaking. Her son Thomas ((age 19ish)) is the one closest to her, and he falls apart in front of the camera repeatedly in the episode. At one point, the children come over to her sister's house where they are all meeting for one of her supervised visits. She's drunk, of course, and Thomas goes out to the patio to talk to her. He says he loves her and she responds, "I love you, be a good girl." UGH UGH UGH. So, hello, Janet is a mess.

Her early life terrible happenings include being molested by a 70-year-old man at age 6 ((truly terrible)), and marrying a millionaire drug dealer and becoming accustomed to a life of leisure. Ohhhh, boo-fucking-hoo. She always had $10,000 in her pocket, well until her husband was arrested by the feds and sent to jail. But then she met Russ. She married Russ and he became a father to her two sons, and they had two children together. Life was good. Until the drunkenness, of course.

The rest of the episode continues with tears and suicidal wishes. Just when you think

you couldn't feel any worse for this family, Janet goes and plays dead in front of her sister's granddaughters. It just keeps getting worse and worse and worse.

And the intervention is bad. First of all, she walks in and exclaims that she's marrying her 75-year-old boyfriend of four weeks that day. She's pissed off at everyone and makes it well-known, including being an insane fucking bitch to her own sons. She refuses to listen to them, interrupts everyone, but here's where the funny part comes in. She really, really, really despises the interventionist, Ken Seeley. Her first interaction with Seeley went as follows:

Ken: Hi Janet, your family and friends have gathered her today because they love you very much and want you to get help.

Janet: ((sneering)) Who are you?

Ken: My name is Ken.

Janet: ((practically foaming at the mouth)) I don't knoooow you.

At this point Ken is like, uhhhh ummmm listen to your family. She continues to bitch and moan. And at one point, she turns to Ken again with daggers in her eyes and says, "I don't like yoooou." Absolutely-effing-hilarious. Ken is probably the nicest of all the interventionists and here's alcosex fiend Janet giving him absolute hell.

The show wraps up showing Janet sober ((I really thought she would be dead)) and drawing some pretty stellar pictures. She has been sober since August 4, 2008. And she broke up with the old bag and now is back with Russ and her kids.

I'm really hoping that Janet stays away from her former insanely selfish ways and keeps it together. As Thomas said on the commercial, "If any family deserves help, I think it's this one."

If she hits the Franzia again then, Ken Seeley, watch your back.

drunk at work

2008-12-14T10:00:00.001-08:00

this picture was taken after they told me I wasn't on "the list"

this is the guy who put me back on "the list". look at him networking. his name is Red Foxworth or Red Foxxx or something
Things i dont like:
1. Lists at clubs
Why can't there be a world where all sides of the rope are equal, and people can enjoy a drink together no matter the booth or barstool separation? Seriously, i left the eye and ear festival to go to some dance event put on by famous friends, thinking that it may be, oh, i don't know, fun, and of course the moment i turn the corner to the club, there is a line full of russians and assholes elbowing to get in, and a $25 cover. $25! To dance to mediocre music like MGMT and AIDS dance music from the 90's. I laughed my ass off, walked to Lit on 2nd avenue, and spent that $25 on drinks for my friends and myself. Thanks Famous Friends, for being a little too Seal and not enough Heidi. I dont know what that means.
2. My old boss.
She's crazy. i quit after she called me at five on sunday to tell me i'm a poor worker and unsupportive friend for not making potato salad with her. I didnt want to mash potatos all night after working all day for her fat ass. After i quit, I lost five pounds and had a social life. Now i work once a week two stores down form hers, and she acts like she doesn't know me. I've sent guys there to buy their girlfriends jewelery, girls there to buy jeans. When they say i sent them there, she allegedly just nods. Nothing else. Not even a wave UNTIL TODAY when she came in to buy her new assistant a dress. what a lunatic. She was like, "hey how are you do you think this will fit Chip?" Her general craziness aside, her store is really amazing. TG170
3. over protective boyfriends

Once i had this boyfriend who locked me in his room so i couldn't go to parties. It didn't make me want to spend more quality time with him. Also, it makes me anxious when guys say things like, "You complete me", or anything about crying.

Things I like:
1. Frye Boots
if you get them resoled they last forever. I've had mine since i was 15.
2. redheads
AH! dustin Charlton, how I admire thee. You're so crazy!

red foxxx

ryan is my favorite. Look how i'm looking at him!

patirck melcher

rightly accused demographics.

2008-12-14T09:28:00.000-08:00

Vampire Weekend is the new Huey Lewis and the News, and I think this because both of them hurt my ears in the same way, and they also both garner horrible yuppies to their shows. I know what you’re going to say. You hate me for using a demographic that likes them against them. Just because some clove-smokers like Elliot Smith doesn’t mean the college English professor who has Elliot on rotate doesn’t smoke Parliaments – I get your drift, but some demographics are true to their stereotype.
So today my friend, let’s call him Ross, had a conversation with a girl he was fucking. Let’s call her Rachel. Rachel mentioned in passing that she fucked a black thug who took her ATM card. He was so consumed with his inherent racism that she had to repeat twice that her roommate got the card back and took some stuff from his apartment to make it up to her. She was like, “what are you thinking about?” and Ross didn’t want to answer that he was thinking of black people since she said the word, so he was like, “nothing,” until he realized what Rachel said, and then he was like, “Hey that’s not cool for you to tell me. I don’t care who you get around with but it’s rude to just go off and tell me who you fuck. I don’t want to know that, and it hurts my feelings that you didn’t just call me.” Rachel was apologetic.

I happen to know a handful of finance guys and they all love Vampire Weekend. They were so excited over the show the band just played in New York, so they busted out their skinny ties and leather jackets with a hoodie and felt cool for a night. It’s their hip outlet that still sounds safe enough to keep in the office. Likewise, any fan of American Psycho can tell you that “Hip to be Square” was the yuppie anthem of the 80’s. The stereotype of a Financer misunderstood gets bands more play than if they were just plain good.
Rachel felt really bad about what she said to Ross and she kept calling him, inviting him to parties. Ross wasn’t having it. He was freezing her out, all, “I’m with my other friends… I’m at three other parties…blah blah blah” and then came the day drinking. He was drinking all day, then at like 11:30 at night he listened to one of her ignored calls about a party, so he called her and slurs, “Where’s the party at?” Rachel says, “Too late,” and Ross goes, “You are a bitch and a selfish slut.” Rachel’s like, “What?!” and he goes, “You like it when I’m mean to you,” and Rachel says softly, “You’re right.” Ross gets freaked out and goes, “You’re a pervert,” and hangs up the phone. She’s been calling him nonstop.
But I don’t dislike Huey Lewis or Vampire Weekend because of who follows them - I don’t like them because it is bad music. They are popular though because... they just are. Stupid people like Vampire Weekend. Stupid girls like guys who call them sluts. Rachel's dumb though. Like, on Thanksgiving she called Ross and was like, "So i think i'm pregnant," but she wasn't. I bet you thought this was gonna be about black people. I'm drunk.

Look at him! I just.. it makes me angry.

Famous Guys I Would Sleep With But Most Likely Never Will

2008-12-13T14:54:00.000-08:00

Like I've mentioned in my previous posts, the end of the year makes me reflective on what could have been. And so here I compile a list of a few of the incredibly successful men (okay, some of them are more ARTISTICALLY successful than financially so) that I would like to have sexy times with, in an ideal world. There are some perimeters to this:they must be alive and kicking, and in the current physical state that makes them desirable. There must be a very, very small possibility that, in case of sudden alien invasion, if I were trapped in a small space with this person, he would fuck me. And they must be someone I would want to hang out with, first and foremost.

Matt Stone He's the quieter (and that is not saying much) half of South Park. Yeah, it APPEARS Trey Parker does more work, but let's look at the facts: Trey Parker is married, he tends to be the more arrogant and obnoxious one in interviews, clearly anyone who runs that much has control issues, oh, and he's pudgy and balding. Matt Stone is the more political one who works behind the scenes to get everything the way they want it, so we already have that in common. And he was sexy when he was horribly awkward looking, and now that he's had laser surgery and hit the gym...yum. He's also a fucking hot jew. As a person of jewish heritage, I acknowledge that this is very uncommon. He's super tall, has great eyes, and has strong shoulders. I've realized lately this is a very attractive quality. Almost as hot as how smart he is. And he's tight buds with John Stamos! The downside? Besides the fact that he appears to prefer hot black girls (I'm KIND OF a really pale jewish heritage black girl) and is incredibly successful and can fuck any bimbo he wants, if we did ever consummate my love, we could never have kids because between the two of us, we would produce the biggest white afro known to man.

James Mcavoy I have some serious issues because not only was I impressed/disturbed by the sexual chemistry between his Mr. Tumnus and the little girl in Narnia, it also initially sparked my attraction to him despite his prosthetic nose and animal parts. Since then, it has moved to a borderline obsession: Atonement, come on, he was sexy as hell, in a suit, in a wife beater, in his army garb deliriously dying(SPOILER). And have you heard him speak with just his Scottish accent? OH MY GOD. He is so adorable. I'm a huge sucker for Scottish accents. They are the strong chin of accents. Swoon. Plus, he comes off as incredibly funny, clever, and sweet. The downside? His wife, who is both too old and too unattractive for him, he's a little slope-shouldered, and I suspect he's shorter than I am.

Paul Rudd I don't even really need to get that into why he's hot, as all women know. He's sexy, modest, incredibly talented and funny, and has the bluest eyes I've ever seen. Plus black hair! Hottest combo ever. I've adored him since Clueless. He's the sort of guy every girl alive wants to date. There's just something nice about him. Downside: appears to be happily married with a cute little kid.

Eugene Hutz I should specify that I only like Hutz when he's onstage singing or being in movies all hot style. Not only is he a super fly, tall, incredibly creative, weirdo talented foreigner who makes great music, he's a good actor. But I've seen him out in real life and suspect he does more drugs nightly than I do in my entire life. Still love him, even though I cry when I hear his songs in video game ads.

Michel Gondry I think, in one form or another, every guy I've ever dated has been Michel Gondry. I just like those awkward artistic weirdos who absolutely blow at communicating in a normal form. His movies and music videos are like if my brain could project images. Plus I love the french. I give a special shout out here to Gael Garcia Bernal, who, while gorgeous, is too short to ride Sabrina and therefor didn't make this list, as well as Mos Def, who is a recent up and comer and may eventually make it.

Christian Bale Now, before you start judging me, I have wanted this man since the glorious days of Swing Kids. Yes, some of you have stalked him since Newsies and Emperor of The Sun. Well, you people are sick pedos. I waited until he was a normal age. America Psycho sealed the deal to me. Not only does he have a gorgeous face and body, he gives off that slick asshole vibe women are so mysteriously attracted to. I suspect he is a closet intellectual, and I appreciate his media wariness. His dad married Gloria Steinem, so you know he's probably pretty awesome. Also, he helped me learn that you can get arrested in the UK for yelling at your parents. Plus: Appears to be unhappily married. Downside: he's also probably really pretentious, or one of those guys who gets pissed off and then just stares at you silently while you get more and more uncomfortable and defensive. He seems to take himself a little too seriously.

Edward Norton I feel like Norton makes SUCH good film choices at times that they overcome his more questionable ones (Death to Smoochy, Pride and Glory). I am not one of those chicks who was all hot and bothered by him as a psycho nazi in American History X: I found him sexier as a hair-re-growing repenter, as a hapless geek in Fight Club, as a socially retarded doctor in The Painted Veil. His lisp, everything, works for me. Plus he's smart in interviews, despite mispronouncing Sydney Lumet's in one I watched the other night, and has a sense of humor that doesn't always show up in his films. Downside: he had sex with Courtney Love. More than once.

Stay tuned for my list of fictional characters I'd like to seduce!

commit suicide

2008-12-12T18:11:00.000-08:00

This is late notice, but we didn't have a clever set up like this when the news hit. For Alan Vega's 70th birthday Blast First (petite) has unleashed a limited edition box set of never before released Suicide live from 77-78, which got amazing reviews. Only 3000 were made, so I don't think they're around anymore BUT you know why i love Blast First? Their addictive download service redeems all second chance cards, so not only can the non-collectors still enjoy the music, they can peruse all the other cool music up for grabs as mp3's. You'll spend more money than you intended with their "buy one get five tracks free the first time" pusher style they got going on, and it's totally worth it. While we're on the Alan Vega subject (who can believe he's still alive btw?) you can also download the special EP series of Vega covers. Bruce Springsteen's version of Dream Baby Dream is... kind of amazing. Click here for Blast First's myspace page with free music, and you can hear what I'm talking about.

2008 Wrap-Up: Who died and Made Me God: an Official List

2008-12-12T15:35:00.000-08:00

As the year draws to a close, we must come to terms with the end of many things. That includes, but is not limited to, the tragic demises of the many famous people we over-identify with and perhaps mourn more than actual friends and family. And so it is here that I present a list of the deaths which effected me the most this year.

1. Heath Ledger (1979-2008) Granted, I did share a personal moment with Ledger. Once, while standing in Soho, I spotted a very attractive guy. I thought, 'he sure looks familiar.' A bus with an ad for Knight's Tale drove past. I slowly followed it with my eyes. There was something I couldn't connect. I looked at the hot guy again. Aha! Epiphany. Also, the day he died, I was laid off from my job. I couldn't really argue because I'd spent the entire morning neglecting a pile of work in favor of desperately googling more info on his death, all the while concocting a fiendish death scene that involved heroin and Olsens. The only movie I'd ever seen him in was Ten Things I Hate About You, which I enjoyed, while finding his hairline 'old'. Then I saw the Dark Knight. Anyone who knows me knows I'm a huge, HUGE graphic novel nerd. So as I peed my pants with all the dweeby fanboys, I also cried on the inside at the conundrum now faced by the Batman Franchise: to either abandon hopes of continuing the comics' long-standing nemesis relationship between the Joker and Batman, or to hire another actor who could never live up to the glory.

2. Bettie Page (1923-2008) I was not a huge Bettie Page fan, but I have endless respect for the ground she broke, making it cool for weird girls everywhere to embrace their oddities. Plus, I know how much she meant to many 'voluptuous' Goth and Rockabilly girls I grew up with. She was a style icon, and although it's just not sad to me when old people die, she will be missed. May her legend live on. And may many kids learn that Dita Von Teese is shamelessly ripping her off.

3. Brad Renfro (1982-2008) This one was a little more dramatic to me because I, like most girls born in 1982, had an epic crush on Renfro. For me, it began with his work in The Client, and continued to Ghost World. Then he became a fat, bloated junkie. Bummer. However, his death was made even more tragic by the little splash it made. Even his name was mispronounced by reporters as Redfro. He can't get no respect! It's familiar plot: much like Renfro was vastly overshadowed by the demise of Ledger, who was more famous and successful, Darby Crash of The Germs committed suicide three days before Lennon was shot, obliterating any chance he had of making a mark in history. See, posthumous casting SHOULD have put Renfro in the role of Crash in the Germs film. His actual last film, The Informers, an adaptation of my beloved Bret Easton Ellis' novel, will be released aka go straight to DVD May, 2009. This makes me sad because I credit The Informers for keeping me sane and hopeful regarding my hatred for linear plots while in graduate school.

4. Mimi La Rue (?-2008) Tori Spelling's beloved pug held the significance of being her baby that most resembled her. I will miss her many humiliating outfits, and bug-eyed look of terror as she was dragged from press meet to press meet. RIP. All dogs go to heaven, so no matter what, you're fine.

5. Madelyn Payne Dunham(1922-2008) Obama's Grandma passed away THE NIGHT BEFORE he totally swept the polls and made American and world history, and actually made me kind of weirdly emotional to the point where someone had to explain what the wateriness in the corner of my eyes was. How badly does that suck that she raised him and didn't get to see his finest moment? I like to think that she let go because she knew it was in the bag. On the plus side, Biden's amazing mom lives on. I need one of her.

6.Mr. Blackwell (1922-2008) Oh, the Black List. I didn't always agree with it, in fact, I rarely agreed in the end with his best of choices, who tended to be women dressed like eighty year old's, but Richard Blackwell was a trailblazer in the category of bitchy, opinionated journalism. His words cut like a knife, and he absolutely set do's and don'ts for women for years and years. RIP, you fierce bitch.

7.Paul Newman (1925-2008) What can I say? He was gorgeous. He was devoted to his wife and family. He was a saint. His salad dressing rules. He was awesome to the end and I hope his family continues with all the charity work he did.

8. Patrick Swayze. (1952-2008) Oh. Wait. He's not dead. Although people have been memorializing him all year. Nobody puts Baby in a coffin.

9.Don LaFontaine (1940-2008) In a time where movie preview voiceovers are incredibly weird and bad-sounding, he was the man who set the bar that no one has been able to live up to.

10.Celeb Families-This was a horrible year for those closely related to famous people. Not only did they die, they died violently. Mark Ruffalo's brother was shot, Dr. Dre's son was shot, Macauley Culkin's sister was run over, and we all know what horrors happened to Jennifer Hudson's family.
11. Isaac Hayes (1942-2008) Actually, he's been dead to me since he became a Scientologist. Hope he's free from his thetans.

12. Bernie Mac (1931-2008) This was really sad but I'm FUCKING SHOCKED right now because he was born in 1931?! WTF? WHAT THE FUCKIN FUCK? HE was old as hell? That can't be right. Okay nevermind, that was terrible misinformation from the website I was on. He was actually born in 1957. That makes way more sense. I was like Jesus I know black people don't age but seriously.

13. Estelle Getty (1923-2008) Words can't explain this. I know she was a senile vegetable the past few years but, Thank you for being a friend. Traveled down the road and back again. Your heart is true, you're a pal and a confidant.

14. Jonathan Brandis (1976-2003) Yes, he died five years ago. But I know many of you are reading this and saying to yourselves. 'what?! He's dead? I was his biggest fan! He was so hot in Seaquest!' RIP Jonathan. The pain never goes away.

DeathWatch 2009: Amy Winehouse is still on the list, Elizabeth Taylor, and for a random, unexpected death, let's guess a young actress for this year.

All I Want For Christmas Is A New Apartment

2008-12-11T23:53:00.000-08:00

Please, Santa. Instead of a Bose stereo, a cute guy, a kitten, ten pounds of crab legs, or whatever you have planned for me, please just give me and Linda this awesome apartment off Franklin. I've been ever so good this year. You know that time(s) I want to slam someone's face repeatedly into the pavement because they looked at me weird/bumped me/said something snotty/took forever to get my drink/acted like an asshole etc? And I didn't? Come on. You owe it to me!

So let's just stick this two bedroom/two bathroom under the tree and call it even. I won't ask for anything else. World peace? Fuck it. A job? Nah. Just this awesome apartment with its two and a half bathrooms, high ceilings, fireplaces, and walk in closets. Cooooommmmeeee on. I won't even complain that the kitchen is relatively small.

It's so close to stuff. No longer will I have to negotiate tranny whores and gang bangers and deranged hoboes as I, an atheist, pray to nothing, just to walk to a Taco Bell with inadequate service. A Taco Bell I had to CALL IN A COMPLAINT ON! I won't even go there after dark. All I want from life is to not have cars slow down and scan my tranny whorishness as I walk to a cab or a friend's car in the evening. I keep worrying that one day I'm going to get stopped by the cops and have to flash my genitals to prove myself. I mean, shit, I do have pretty broad shoulders and I'm all tall. How embarrassing.

And that is why, Santa, I turn to you. Just think, I'd be able to walk to several upscale restaurants! I could frequent the bakery at Mayfair, which has those sugar cookies I like so much. I'd buy a pound for you and leave them by my FIREPLACE. I'd even go to the local charming high-end pet store and purchase some special reindeer treats.

I mean, how lovely it would be to not have the local cafe double as an AA meeting place. Not that I don't respect the road to recovery, oh, who am I kidding, I don't. But I would be changing one brain-washing cult for another, more powerful one: mere feet away from the lovely Christmas tree lot is the Scientology Celebrity Centre. LOOK AT ITS MAGIC.

But no, all our dreams were dashed, due to hatred and intolerance. That's right. They do not accept my alternative lifestyle. They do not accept that I am, in fact, a pet owner.

Look at Charlie, Santa. Look at her little face. Look at Misha. Look at the hope there. Who could turn this down? Please, spray some pixie dust on the owner and convince her to accept a pet deposit. First the ban on gay marriage, and now this. Next thing you know, they'll be making me wear a yellow star again. And I am not good at sewing things on my clothing!

So please, Santa. Can't you look in your heart and feel the love? Can't you do something for us? I love you. Picture our smiling faces. I'll let you touch my boobs. You know it's been a while.

Oh and if you really can't change her mind, can you please leave me a new car? Or make my car not suck a lot? Thanks.

Raping Iowa - Things to do in the Corn State After Consensual Sex

2008-12-11T21:49:00.000-08:00

I went to Iowa with the soul intention of having sex, shooting guns, and watching Megadeth videos, and didn’t realize the place I stayed had internet until the day I went home. Truck Haven, my favorite diner in Iowa, had wifi but there was so much to do that I always ate my omelet and ran.  The nice Sioux City family I stayed with didn’t use the internet much anyway, so, you know, when in Rome. Ryan is my partner in crime who invited me to Iowa and let me stay at his house. Determined to prove that Iowa is more than a place for crop circles, the second he picked me up from the two-lane Iowa Airport (SUX is the unfortunate abbreviation, FYI when you book your ticket) we skidded into Miles Inn, one of the best neighborhood bars in town, built by a bricklayer in 1925. Don’t let that impress you; everything in Sioux City was either built by a bricklayer in 1925 or by a woodworker around 1980. At Miles Inn, guys just off of work share the bar with mother’s giving advice to daughters over a Coors Light while the game is on T.V… it’s all here, and they’re all eating Charlie Boys, these small burgers with everything on them - seasoned meat and pickles and cheese and onion and mustard. If you’re a regular, when you go up to the bar, you go, “Give me one of ‘em”, and the bartender will know what you’re talking about. After a few of ‘em, Ryan and I shot bows and arrows at Briar&Bow, a place Ted Nugent frequents when he wants to perfect his deer hunting, and then went mud bogging near a lake scattered with the season’s last flock of geese being lazy about flying north.
For night, Ryan recommended we skip the main drag of bars on 4th Street downtown, as it is frequented by the younger crowd of college-goers, and would be better to deal with already drunk. Instead we took a drive east to the Nebraska border and bonded with some deliverance folk whose hands were thick like football leather and talked about pyramid schemes and Iraq at a bar called the Green Diamond. Save room for food when you head there. It’s a bar on one side and a family restaurant on the other, all wrapped up in a track home package by the river. Lyle’s Bar is another good stop on the bar crawl to Nebraska and back, but it's on a one (dirt) road town, so good luck finding it. They have a recipe for moonshine they got from a jail library, and asked my opinion on it. I started talking with some of the locals at the bar. That was about the time I realized that if you are a black person, you might want to not go to Iowa. They don’t know what to make of them. One woman I talked to recounted the “first time she saw a black person” in the “bad part of town”. Her parents actually woke her up and took her driving to look at them when she was a child. They were like, “that there’s a black person, honey.” Another told her son, “you wouldn’t guess what I saw today. A black on the lake!” as if they usually sink straight to the bottom. In Iowa, black people are so rare that it’s frightening to the natives. If you’re black and you go to Sioux City, you may get photos taken of you, especially when you visit the archery place. Actually, don’t go there. I told the owner I lived in Atlanta and he was like, “it gets pretty dark there –if you know what I mean.” I digress. Eventually the deliverance folk started talking about boys getting shot in the head, and we left for the last call liquor store where, ironically, we saw tons of black people – and took a picture!
It was a full first day, but nothing compared to the intense ice fishing journey on Decatur Lake. What my buddy Ryan and I failed to capture were the photos of the bait shop girls - these beautiful blonde creatures whose ages could be an evasive 15 or 45 at the same time. One was always mopping the floor and laughing and the other smoked cigarettes by the minnows at Angler's Pit Stop, the best place for wax worm prices.  
As I mentioned before, one of the main reasons I even got on the plane to paradise was to shoot guns, which we did a lot. There are a few good hunting spots, like Mile Long Island out by the water. Also, Snyder's Bend borders a national park, so the river is really beautiful. Scenic. If you shoot with a local, though, no doubt they will have their own secret spot. Ryan’s is through various undisclosed cornfields, into what he and his buddies call The Kill Hole. The 44 revolver was the hardest to shoot. I also shot skeet with a 20 gauge. In head to toe camo, I fit in at Walmart with nary a raised eyebrow, where we bought a 24 pack of Natural Ice, cases of bullets, and a bunch of fruit to shoot up with a 338 rifle.

But enough with the guns, let's talk about the food. Even though they have lots of cornfields, everything in Iowa is fried and/or has cheese on it. They are really big on meat and bread, which brings us to the best hot dog spot I’ve ever frequented. World famous Milwaukee Weiner House blows places like New York’s Grays Papaya and L.A.’s Pink’s out of the water.
Also, I have to mention Tastee In&Out onion chips and special sauce. If you ever go to Iowa for a hobo convention or to hide a dead body, stop by there and get a double order. More flaky than that bitch who never returns your calls, and more addictive than a good Law&Order, these things can ruin your life in the best way possible.
So my last night in Iowa I still hadn’t watched Megadeth vids (surprisingly, there was too much to do) but I did watch a drunken Indian hit on the man with the Megadeth collection. This metal dude Rick is of the legendary Iowan rock band Ghostship (he opened for Great White and Blue Oyster Cult motherfuckers!) and they love doing Metallica covers aside from their own music. After the fat Indian finished her story about sending her daughter to American Idol (so watch out!) and pawning some plastic necklace on us, Ryan, Rick and I went to Lewis Bowl, a – you guessed it – bowling alley with a separate bar for rockin’ out sans pins. There are two Lewis Bowls in Sioux, an east and north, and I’ve tried and tested both and deem them equal. Among other things, Rick rides with the bike gang El Forasteros (take a look for El Foresteros pics at our friend's blog here) but declined membership because he puts family first. Aside from being a loving husband and father, he is also a churchgoer. When I asked him about it, he was like, “I only go there for the pancakes”. Since he’s a family man, I can’t put the kind of trouble we got into at Paxton Street Tavern, but let’s just say that it’s a great place for misfit behavior. Seriously, Rick is The Man To Know in Iowa. Wherever you go with him, the bartenders are ready with Butter Crown shots and the best seats. With walls lined with carpet to keep the bar smelling like a bar, a bevy of weird video games to keep you glued inside during the cold weather, and cabs waiting outside to drive you home, how can you say no to the Paxton? It’s the kind of bar that bartenders frequent when they are off work. I will say, though, that trouble followed us all the way to Rick’s garage, where we capped off the night skateboarding on old Nash decks and got yelled at by the wife –yikes! After significant time with Rick and Ryan, I don’t need Megadeth. I lived Megadeth. I raped Iowa.

Die, Die My Darling!

2008-12-10T23:58:00.000-08:00

I think it’s about time we all celebrate TGTBID (Thank God That Bitch Is Dead) in memory of all those annoying female characters (usually written or created by MEN…ahem) that totally deserved to die die die.

Spoiler Alert: The X-Files: I Want to Believe, Dexter (Season 2), True Blood (Season 1), 6 Feet Under (Season 3)

SPLATTERED: Amanda Peet as Agent Dakota Whitney in the new X-Files movie I Want to Believe
Oh no you di’int try and flirt with Mulder!

Okay, first off, people are whacked. Why everyone loathed this movie should be an X File of its own. The film was awesome and totally encapsulated the essence of the show. I mean, c’mon, Billy Connolly (hilarious Scottish dude in Fido, Lemony Snicket’s A Series of Unfortunate Events, Head of the Class & Muppets Treasure Island…uh need I say more?) plays a pedophile that, as a disgusted Skully puts it, “buggered 37 altar boys”. Hi-larious! For people who were expecting aliens and UFO’s sorry, but get over it, there’s other weird shit happening out there and head replacement is one of them.

I won’t go too far into the plot but basically they bring in Amanda Peet who plays the convincing (yah right) Agent Dakota Whitney (even her character’s name sucks). Dakota is a total malicious and obvious Mulder groupie. You get to watch her through the whole movie panting all over Duchovny reminding him how much she believes every time he mentions Skully’s doubts. Ew I know so many women like this. She really needed to get off his dick, he wants Skully not Bony. I sat there thinking fuck you Dakota, now I want to believe, I want to believe that you will die sometime in the duration of this movie and Mulder will not full for your skank tactics. Lo and behold, the movie gods came down and blessed me, I guess if you wish hard enough… towards the end of the film, Dakota bitch gets pushed off a ledge and plummets to her death in a super unflattering ridiculous fall scene. AWESOME thank you Chris Carter, I am forever grateful.

Peet’s character was the only real complaint I had about the movie. Otherwise, I have no idea why this movie totally fell under the radar and was hated by the few who saw it. Guess that one will always remain a mystery… doo doo doo doo doo doo

STABBED: Jaime Murray as Lila in Dexter Season 2
Oh no you di’int try and set fire to Dexter & his mousy girlfriend’s kids!

I don’t have a tv, don’t judge, but I do download the occasional series. My recent obsession has been Dexter and I’ve just completed Season 2. All I can say is THANK GOD they decided to get rid of that skanktress Lila (Jaime Murray-and what’s with the spelling of her name anyway?) I was SO SICK of staring at those GUMS!!! God, collagen much? And the way she talked, “Dextah!” Ugh.

Lila was sucking so hard and making women look like desperate psychopaths; she really, really needed to go. She even pretended to be raped by a guy Dexter works with just to bribe Dexter into coming back to her - God, I hate when writers do shit like that, way to set women back like 50 years.

The only awesome thing to come from Cruella was that she saved Dex from the electric chair and she sort of redeemed Deb’s character (Dexter’s sister). Best line Deb ever said about Lila: “She is obviously a vampire: A gross, English, titty vampire.” Fo’ Sho’!

But her craziness backfired when she tried to set Dex and the kids aflame (oh my goodness, what makes you think he won’t cut choo!) Dude, he told you know not to fuck with them or he’d show you his monster. Maybe she thought that was code for his wang? Anyway, stupid thought she would get away with it but Dexter got out alive and ended up following that pasty bitch to Paris and sliced her up good. SERVED! It would have been cute if he had worn a beret while doing it.

Either way, she was a straight whackadoo and needed to be put down. Finally her reign of braless terror is ova’!

CHOKE SLAYED: Lizzy Caplan as Amy in my new favorite series True Blood
Oh no you di’int kill Milton from Office Space!

Ugh…for some reason the True Blood writers decided to make Jason Stackhouse aka Douche Baggins a main character. They brought in some cut & paste Williamsburg clone named Amy Burley (Lizzy Caplan) to be his little hippie fuck puppet. He was all dreamy eyed over her until he (finally!) realized she was a total psycho-controlling bitch.

Unfortunately, cuntessa got away with killing an awesome new character, Eddy, but thankfully she got hers in the end. That’s what you get for killing Milton from Office Space you heinous biatch! Hopefully there are many staplers in heaven-RIP Milty.

Little Fact: Stephen Root aka Milton aka Eddie the weird gay vampire in True Blood, is from Sarasota, Florida where my parents now live. The more you know (insert rainbow).

So, we’re still stuck with Jason but at least Amy got what she deserved and was killed by a guy with terrible facial hair… a proper way for this Williamsburg wannabe to go don’t ya think?

DROWNDEDED: Lili Taylor as Lisa in Six Feet Under Season 3
Oh no you di’int have sex with Nate while he was still wif Brenda!

I’m not hating on Lili Taylor AT ALL. I actually love almost every movie she’s ever bee in (Mystic Pizza, Say Anything, Dogfight, Household Saints, I Shot Andy Warhol, Four Rooms, Girls Town (what what), Pecker, High Fidelity, Factotum (well actually I hated this movie but only cuz Barfly was WAY better) and there’s a whole mess of other good ones). What I’m saying is, she is pretty awesome BUT her character totally fucking SUCKED.

Lisa was wicked boresville AND she fucked Brenda’s man Nate so… sorry, bitch needed ta go! Oh also, she somehow transformed Nate into this horribly boring character with terrible bangs. I mean, I have a love hate relationship with Nate but in general I think his character is really interesting even if he’s really aggravating and selfish.

But I do have to say that every character, even Arthur, was a thousand times better than Maggie. She was just painful to watch. She so should have been brutally murdered. Her face bothered me so much; she was like a creepy version of Chris Robinson from the Black Crowes.

But I guess the topic “bitches that NEED to die” is a whole other blog. Who do you think should be the next one to go???

FAIRWELL BIATCHES-R.I.P.

In the playland of good and evil

2008-12-10T08:43:00.001-08:00

So. Yesterday I chose to against my own personal code of conduct and go to McDonald's for lunch. I know, I know. Gross and I should be ashamed. But I really just wanted a 4piece. Fresh from a Bota Box hangover, I marched the .47 miles to McD's and stood in line with the other cholesterolaholics. I have to admit, the nice thing about McDonald's is that you usually always know what to expect. The food always tastes the same, the menu is always the same, and generally, your experiences always tend to mirror one another. WELL, not yesterday.

So I'm standing in line behind a 53ish-year-old woman, whom I will call Patty. In retrospect, I realize that Patty is too nice of a name for this woman but I digress. Patty is the kind of woman with a hard face, a woman who probably enjoys yelling at her kids a little too loudly while yelling at her husband for enjoying a few too many Milwaukee's Bests in front of the Packers game every Sunday. What she fails to realize however, is that he's drinking those 12ouncers as a way to escape her. This is the kind of woman who, if you were her child and tried to give her a homemade clay spider you worked incredibly hard on, would decline saying she didn't like spiders.

So anyway. Patty was up to bat. In front of each register is a sign that says, if you get the wrong receipt, ask us for an apple pie! ((See sign at left, thank you camera phone)). Patty orders her hamburger, collects her order and receipt, and stands there asking for a free apple pie. Patty got the correct order, the correct receipt, but the price was wrong on the receipt ((she was compensated for the error in price)). The woman working behind the counter kindly explained to her that that wasn't the way the free apple pie giveaway worked, that you had to get the wrong receipt to get the goods. Well, let me tell you, Patty was not happy. The clerk then turned to me and asked to take my order. Patty interjects "NO you can not help her, you haven't finished helping me. I want my free apple pie." Whoa, Patty. So the clerk gets the manager and explains the situation to her. Again, the manager explains that a wrong price on a receipt isn't how it works, and goes back to dishing out the orders, considering it is lunchtime and is incredibly busy.

Well, Patty wasn't done. She really wanted that apple pie. When the clerk tried to take my order once again, Patty explained that she wasn't leaving and that she wanted to talk to someone else. ARE YOU KIDDING ME, PATTY!?!?!?!?!? There are fifty customers in this joint and you are holding up the line for a fifty-fucking-cent apple pie?! So, I had no choice but to say "Oh my god, do you want me to give you fifty cents for an apple pie? This is ridiculous." And Patty turns to me and says, "What I want is for YOU to mind your own business."

At this point, Patty was literally being the rudest person on the face of the planet to the clerk and manager, and was demanding to talk to the store supervisor. The number to the supervisor was on the flyer so she was like "What, so I call Andy about this?" THIS WOMAN WAS GOING TO TAKE VALUABLE TIME OUT OF HER DAY TO COMPLAIN ABOUT FIFTY EFFING CENTS. I understand standing your ground but pull yourself together lady and stop being an asshole to the employees and the bazillion people behind you.

So, with Patty still standing there with her arms crossed, I got out my phone. I dialed Andy's number and proceeded to leave him a message about how wonderfully his employees were handling an incredibly rude customer, and that he should take any complaints he gets with a grain of salt. Patty violently grabbed her not-so-happy meal and stomped out the door, luckily without eating my face on her way out.

And you know what? I never got a receipt for my meal, but I think I'll save my free apple pie for another day - I'm already supersized enough as it is.

Brad Pitt, Tom Cruise, You're Both Assholes.

2008-12-09T12:51:00.000-08:00

Its time to face the truth.
Sure, we all hate on Tom Cruise. His acting has been more and more erratic over the years. His film choices are questionable at best, and his attempts to retain a 'normal' appearance with Katie Holmes made him creepier than ever. Then there's the whole Scientology thing. I am not at liberty to write anything more about that subject because I do not want my family killed. Vakyrie looks like it's going to be the biggest pile of shit that ever hit the WWII genre, especially since Cruise couldn't even be bothered to use a German accent when playing a freakin' German. And he has an eye patch.
But I mean, that doesn't spare Brad Pitt.
He's made some bad decisions. I'm going to say number one was Angelina. Not because I don't get why he would want to fuck her or even why he'd be lured in to the fatherhood role in her family. But because it always sucks when a kinda cool person starts dating a lame person, and instead of that lame person getting cooler, the cool person gets lamer. Like, he's become a much more annoying douche. There's nothing worse than people who demand you respect their privacy and yet command the highest amount of publicity, provided it's on their terms. I cite how we see pictures of their family every single day and yet there are many, many celebs who manage to successfully keep low profiles. I cite Brad Pitt selling 'his personal collection' to W magazine and complaining when people invade his space. I cite him acting like a complete dick to that woman who called in on Oprah about his tattoos.
And as an actor..Pitt is mediocre at best. Troy? Horrible. He can pull it off sometimes, but he's actually most effective in dark comedies: he's just too pretty to be cast in them that often. However, he seems to be working hard to change that, as he models himself after the Marlon Brando Bloat Style. That mustache? That weird, waxy face? That comb-over? He's looking more like my grandfather than People Magazine's Sexiest Man Alive. Not to say he hasn't gone through some bad phases before: that creepy anorexic surfer dude look in the mid nineties? yeah, not so much.
And back to Cruise. Hey, Cruise, do you love Katie? Really? Cos I didn't get it. I wasn't hearing it loud enough. And I think it's much more important that you keep reiterating to the public how much you adore her as opposed to just proving it to the one person who matters, you know, her.
Whatever, it's all about Christian Bale and Edward Norton anyway.

Reborn (again?)

2008-12-06T23:59:00.000-08:00

So I’ve found a few things out since being unemployed: 1) Buying groceries in NYC is insanely expensive. I heard a guy the other day describe Whole Foods as a museum for food… omg he’s so right! 2) All those ads on Craigslist offering big money for research study groups and survey fillerouters are fake. Boo to them for getting my hopes up. I’m so flagging all of you. 3) Ebay is amazing. I sold my first dress last night for $32!!! I paid like $2 ten years ago for it. I’m currently trying to figure out how that dude sold his soul on there, I happen to have an unlimited supply.

Anyway, so now that my only source of income is from Ebay (all hail thee) I have been checking out some potential items I could sell once I go home for xmas and rummage through my many boxes of childhood crap. I figure I might be able to get a bit for all of those creepy old timey dolls my grandmother used to send me and have since been haunting my dad’s garage for years (I don’t care what anyone says, I did see that Raggedy Anne doll standing up on its own in the middle of the night!)

So I was perusing the doll categories and saw a section called Reborn. First thing I thought, wtf Christian dolls? So I click and see “Adopt our Precious Ashley” I think holy crap, they’re selling kids on Ebay??? Come to find out, there’s this whole icky fad where people buy these incredibly lifelike babies for thousands of dollars. Seriously, aren’t real children around that price?

These make believe moms do everything with the dolls as if they were the real deal: push them in strollers, talk to them, buy them new wardrobes, give them naps, even wash their creepy life like hair (shudder shudder).

Most of the bogus babies seem to be one of a kind but I found out that some women special order them as exact replicas of their dead kids, sad but true. Akin to real babies, these little dumplings appear peacefully asleep, but like SIDS babies they don’t breathe and are basically just dead inside. They even have special order special needs kids ie fake babies with downs, polio, head injury and cancer. Um, k.

My take on it: cut the chord ladies, this shit’s straight creepy. As homeboy from Pet Cemetery once said: Sometimes dead’s betta’.

The Year In Horrible Baby Names

2008-12-04T12:22:00.000-08:00

Man, here we are. Another exciting year where us mere mortals accept that our own children's births pale in comparison to our more famous counterparts. And with every child born, we learn of some new horrendous abuse of power the parents have exercised when coming up with a child's name. It's been clear for quite some time that celebrities have a wheel on which several verbs, names of sports drinks, musicians' and eighties cartoons' names, and adverbs are written. They then spin the wheel and come up with the most retarded names ever. Here is a list from best to absolute worst.

Sunday Rose (Nicole Kidman/drunken guy she married who looks like her): Okay, this isn't bad. Actually, it's quite pretty. There's some stupid origins story about it, and Sunday is ALMOST bad, but it's better than Tuesday or Friday. It's a lot less alien than Suri. Pwned, Tom Cruise. Although no baby is cuter than Suri Cruise. Win, Katie Holmes.

Max Liron (Christina Aguilera and that Toady Frog dude) Okay, I like and approve of the name Max. Generally, most X names are pretty decent. Liron is the name of like, every Israeli kid I went to high school with. All in all, benign.

Harlow Winter (Nicole Ritchie, the Good Charlotte douchebag). Ugh. This is like what happens when the pretty stupid rockabilly chick in high school gets knocked up. Last names as first names? Always a negative. I had a cat named Winter once. It's a decent name for a lipstick, though.

Knox Leon, Vivienne Marcheline (some random, extremely underexposed parents). Now, Knox Leon is fucking horrible. It's the name of some post-punk guy in an 80's band. Vivienne is lovely but Marcheline sounds like a jam. I think it's her mom's name though, so I guess that's touching and shit.

Stella Doreen (Tori Spelling) DOREEN? DOREEN? Is it 1950? I can just picture this baby with a flip haircut and cat eye glasses.

Jagger Joseph Blue (Soleil Moon Frye) Because John Jacob Jingleheimer was too common.

Easton August Anthony (Elizabeth 'is this because I'm a lesbian' Rohm) Fact: This baby is a girl.

Zuma Nesta Rock (Gwen Stefani, Gavin Rossdale) I don't even know what to say about this that hasn't been said. It is the absolute dregs of baby-naming. Get a dog or something to do this to, something that won't understand how much you despise it. I am fairly sure this was actually a limited edition Snapple drink. Remember that Snapple lady in the commercials? I miss her. Does Snapple even exist anymore? I won't even comment on 'rock', out of respect for the small boy.

Bronx Mowgli (the two biggest douche bags in the world) It is completely unsurprising that two of the top five people most in need of a punch in the face would come up with the most atrocious baby name of all time. Even a Golden Retriever would be like 'fuck you guys, I'm outta here.' Gross. Worse than Zowie Bowie, who changed his name because he was so disgusted with his parents. And at least David and Angie were on lots and lots of acid. There's no excuse for this.

And that's a wrap, folks!

Can you keep a secret?

2008-12-04T11:44:00.000-08:00

A holiday tradition since the dawn of time, Secret Santa is one of my favorite things in the whole world. I'm not so much a traditionalist ((is that a word?)) but you can usually count on me for one thing: I can't keep secrets. Actually, no. It's not that I CAN'T keep secrets, it's just more like I don't want to.

Within minutes of drawing for Secret Santa with my roommates, I knew who two of them had. It's not like it was even hard, literally all I had to do was be ask twice and they both spilled the beans. "Nelson, who do you have? Come on, I won't tell," and immediately he folded. Feeling pretty good about myself, I casually asked my roommate Ashley who she had. BIG MISTAKE. Immediately accusing me of ruining Christmas and crushing her holiday spirit, Ashley huffed and puffed all the way into the kitchen. She has since been avoiding discussing anything having to do with Secret Santa, thinking that I'm using every conversation I have with her as a way to tell her everything I know about it.

Now tell me this, why does who we have drawn have to be a secret from EVERYONE? Why can't we just keep it a secret from the one person we drew? Is that really such skewed logic? I didn't even know that it was against Secret Santa bylaws to reveal who we had drawn to anyone else.

On December 17, everyone will know who had them for Secret Santa. Someone will probably get spinach balls from Brian ((they are the only thing he knows how to cook)), Ashley will get a soccer ball from Nelson, and Bridget will hand her I.O.U. and half drank glass of wine to me with shrugged shoulders. And you know what? My big mouth won't have changed a damned thing.

And hey Ashley, if you're reading this, I got Chris some really awesome mittens and a new girlfriend for his gift. GOT YOU!!!!!!!!

Calling All Ladybugs

2008-12-03T16:21:00.000-08:00

While enjoying a glass ((a few bottles)) of wine a few nights ago, my roommate and I got to discussing a hero of mine, Jonathan Brandis. After sharing with her how devastated I was upon learning that my dearly beloved JB had ended it some five years ago, she looked at me and cocked her head and said, "wait, he's dead?" My jaw dropped.

HOW COULD SHE NOT KNOW!?!? Jonathan Brandis was an icon of our time, gracing every Teen Beat magazine cover for as long as I could remember. JB was bigger than any Laguna Beach spin-off character will ever be. To some ((me)), he was bigger than god.

So I turned to my trusty friend, Google. Surely someone else shared the same grief I had in Jonathan's passing. And boy did they ever. Fans of SeaQuest, Ladybugs, Sidekicks, It, The Neverending Story II, and many of Jonathan's other lesser film endeavors had found a place to share their sweet memories of the kid who just couldn't hang on. Fellow fandis ((Brandis+fan)) Drina Vurbic put together what may just be the best tribute site to have ever existed, minus the fact that the headline on the front page says "I want to keep it alive, I want to keep this feeling alive." Did Brandis say that? Nope. Someone named Rach did, which is actually hilarious that it's the headline to the site considering Brandis wanted nothing to do with keeping himself alive.

So the obvious next step was to join the forum on Vurbic's site. How could one not want to join in on a discussion focusing on what recipes we think Brandis would have enjoyed and how he might have just had the most beautiful hands in the whole entire world. Great hands for acting according to forum poster, msboop77. Well, joining the site was a big mistake. Ms. Vurbic found my contribution to the site not quite up to Jonathan's standards. She banned my friend Grace too, which is RIDICULOUS since Grace was doing nothing but posting beautiful pieces of artwork like this one:

Since my forum banning now forces me to do my mourning from afar, I will be sharing my memories and recipes Jonathan would have loved with you here. Sometimes I go back to see what's shaking over in Drina's world but it's usually nothing but a disappointment. Some new chick has even started taking credit for Grace's work. Oh, and did I mention that there is a poster over there who ACTUALLY posts as a dolphin? Not just under a dolphin moniker, but IS POSTING AS IF HE IS AN ACTUAL DOLPHIN WHO KNOWS HOW TO TYPE.

So here is my first post dedicated to my long lost love, Jonathan Gregory Brandis. I'll leave you with a few drawings by fellow fandises. Talk about inspiration. And no, these aren't done by me or any of my friends. We only wish we could take credit for something so beautiful.

At least Jonathan can rest in peace knowing his loyal fans will always be here, #2 pencil in hand, to keep his memory alive.

Twilight: What a Bunch Of Shit

2008-12-03T14:27:00.000-08:00

That's right. I said it. Your super lame sparkly vampires who play baseball suck. And not in the right way, since they don't have fangs.

And you know what else? I didn't see Twilight. I haven't even read an entire chapter in the book. I don't need to taste crap to recognize it's shit.

Seriously, that dude? Edward? WHY DO I EVEN KNOW THAT? I don't even need to read the books to know wayyyy too much about them. And I'm not a pop culture shunner. Fuck, I'm already planning my super sweet week vacation at The Magical World Of Harry Potter when it opens at Universal Island Adventure in like, 2011. And don't try to be all 'oh, if you read Harry Potter, logic dictates you'll just like anything else that's a pop phenomenon.' It's the same retard logic that makes people say "I don't understand how you can like The Smiths and not The Cure." (Do not email me about this. I don't like the Cure. End of story.) Twilight is a neutered 'vampire' story written by a woman who has slightly less skill than a myspace blogger. And I'm insulting myself here, cos I am obviously in the act of blogging. It's sappy, it's stupid, and more importantly, why make them vampires? Why, if you are going to have them be nothing like vampires at all, not just make them elves or some new amazing magic creature with a bastardized name taken from Greek myth? Come on. Stop insulting the vampires. Next thing we know, there will be some sappy love story about a misunderstood zombie who must fight his overwhelming and mindless compulsion to eat brains in order to be with the woman he loves. Ugh, as I type that, I could feel it actually coming to fruition.

So before I get all sidetracked, I'm going to add that I don't get the whole ZOMG EDWARD appeal. I was at La Poubelle the other night and so was the actor, and never before have I witnessed so many adults crumble into tweens over some dude with weird hair. Weird hair that was covered with a beanie. And you know what else? I've noticed, since he's been on the cover of every magazine ever, that he has a wonk eye. Yeah, I said it. WONK. He seems like a nice dude, admittedly. He posed for pictures with my friends who giggled like twelve year olds at a Jonas Brothers concert.

But you know what else? I would like to see return to real vampires. The fucking undead, True Blood Hottie Viking Erics of the underworld. The guys who are like 'hey I am now in every way superior to human beings, so you know what? I don't want to aspire to being weak and lame like them!' Would a vampire trample a Walmart employee to save fifty bucks on a four thousand dollar tv they can't afford anyway? No. WHO ARE THE REAL MONSTERS, I ask you.

Oh, and I can't BELIEVE how much money that Twilight woman has made. That's the real reason I'm bitter. I'm going back to all the stories I wrote on my MA and changing the characters to vampires by just adding 'vampiric' to their descriptions and making everything happen at night, so I'll be totally famous and a millionaire and having my own Universal Island.

Stay tuned for my irate rant on how terrible the Pirates Of The Caribbean movies are and the conspiracy to hide the fact that as pretty as Depp is, he is sort of a shitty actor.